Ok I figured my best way to deal w/the beginning phases of carb cycling would be to just rant and free-write a little in the form of a myspace bulletin to all my friends. I'm posting it here in case someone else who's carb cycling may also find solace like a cubicle worker would find solace watching Peter Gibbons in Office Space stick it to his job.... Here it is:

Don't worry about carbs.... Until you've plateaued that is.... Fuck a duck and screw a kangaroo, this shit is killing me! Low carb days suck.

Don't get me wrong though. low carb diets are still gay. I still say fuck Dr. Atkins.... As Borat would probably say, "I make urinations on his burial place.."

Just kidding.... I would never piss on anyone's grave. Well, I might dance on it but that's about it. I'd keep it tame though. I wouldn't do anything wild like break dancing or capoeira. Just a sublte little gangsta shimmy.. Anything more vigorous than that would be pushing it.

Ok, so yeah.... I'm dreaming of a fat ass loaf of sourdough bread right now... and some ziti... maybe some spaghetti... no meat balls though.. no protein at all. I'm sick of protein. I'm sick of tuna namely. God damn you tuna! Because of you, I have to cover my mouth whenever I talk to someone. Because of you, my co-workers don't want to store their food in the break room fridge when you're in there.

For the past few weeks I've tried every conceivable variation of tuna. I've mixed it with mayo. I've mixed it with relish. I've tried BBQ sauce, salsa picante, salsa verde, tapatio, vietnamese hot sauce, extra virgin olive oil, recently deflowered olive oil, like-a-doorknob,everyone-gets-a-turn olive oil, I've-only-took-it-up-the-ass-so-technically-I'm-still-a-virgin olive oil.... shit, if I had access to curry, I'd throw that in there too.

I swear, if I see another can of tuna with that little Charlie the Tuna spokesman on it with his damn rapist eye glasses, I'm gonna go on a rampage. I'm gonna send homing signals into the oceans to all the dolphins so they can all tangle themselves into every tuna net they see, kamikaze style. I'll promise them an eternity in paradise with 72 virgins... dolphin virgins of course. I don't think they'd like human virgins... except for Amy Whinehouse. She kinda looks like a dolphin. But she sure as hell doesn't look like a virgin.

Ok, enough about virgins and crack-whores. I'll fill you all in about my jihad on tuna later but let me get back to the carb thing. Actually, the whole demented and scattered rant you just read is a perfect example of why carb depletion can be dangerous to the mind as well as the body.

Ok, if you've still reading after this, you definitely deserve a little explanation on my standpoint on carbohydrizzznates. But before I get into it, I'd like to explain that I'm actually not on a low carb diet.

I'm actually carb cycling which is much different. I go low carb for a few days and then just before my body says, "hey, what the hell's going on? Where's my glycogen? I'm gonna stop burning fat and start burning all your hard earned muscle until stop this charade", I have my carb refeed day.

This is my chance to carb it up baby. I'll treat myself to a super burrito with extra beans and rice and all the tortilla chips a boy could dream of. Then I'll go to the Italian spot next door and kill about three bread baskets before I even get started on my entree of lasagna. Then it's off to Panda Express for fried rice [or flied lice, which ever you prefer], chow mien, egg rolls and three fortune cookies........ {insert gluttonous Homer Simpson MMMMMM sound here]

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Then it goes on about why most of THEM shouldnt worry about carbs yet untl they can become patient and diligent enough at least TRY and count their calories first....

Apparently no one found it amusing

Absolute Hilarity. Thank God I found lipolytics and anabolics after high school, dieting sure was a pain

Pretty nice diet-related rant.



Is this the plan you are following to ripness?

I bought this baby straight up cash. Hot hand in a dice game, baby! Clickity clack clickity CLACK!

I always enjoy a good rant.

I've never had any issues lowcarbing it myself though, an evolutionary fitness-style diet just works well for me. I can hardly imagine eating most of the processed carboshit most people eat; gimme a juicy steak, spinach, and a big glass of cabernet anytime.

Maybe this'll help you on your way.... Personally I like to think of life like a great salad bar; you don't waste stomach space filling up on bread, the smart man goes right for the high-value items like shrimp, lobster, filet mignon. Different strokes for different folks, but in my book bread and rice are for starving people in places where they're too poor or food is just to scarce to eat otherwise. If I have 1000kCal to invest, it's going to the good stuff, I ain't wasting 1/3 of it on boiled potatoes.